Saturday, April 15, 2006
I feel like I just alighted from an emotional roller coaster, being spinned 360 degrees for too long a time.
Adults would say, 'yeah, 17 is the dangerous period. all the hormones go berserk...tears start flowing like some waterfall...emotions get a bit too high...doing things that don't make sense'. I would agree to that to a certain extent. We're young, edgy, uncertain, feeling our way around to carve out an identity for ourselves, making mistakes so that we won't make them when we're adults. We are piled with so many things, yet given so little time. Expectations a little too high..but reachable? If we don't learn now...will we ever learn before it is too late?
Sometimes I ask myself why am I rushing and stressing myself for ? I realised that stress plays a great role in my life, but I don't have many memories of it. All the stressful bits are like insignificant, yet at that period of time, they seem to be the focus of everything I do. So silly, I tell myself. Life slowed down a lot after O levels. I really want it to go back to the way it was then. I don't want to rush again, to miss out things that I might perhaps remember more. I don't want to be plagued with uncertainty. I don't want to think so much and so deeply. I don't want 2 weeks of exams and that 1 hr 45 min (eg. for lit paper) to determine my fate and my future.
Somehow I found out friends play an important role in JC life. Theodora once told me that we should form friendships as young as possible, because people become more scheming, hypocritical and fake when we become adults and I agree. Innocence is a gift to the young, but negative influence can change and destroy all that within one second. It's so difficult to learn good but easy to learn bad.
Ok, I admit I miss s11.
I miss the times:
1. we trudge to pe together from ms stacey tan's econs class on tues afternoon
2. we celebrate the febuary babies b'dae with an apple cake
3. sang karaoke at k box and jump on the couch and listen to alvin sing 'one night in beijing'
4. sat as two segregated groups 'Boys' vs 'Girls'
5. Daniel has to make announcements and tries to do it in a haphazard, bo chap manner (sorry ah...)
6. we copy each other's homework like we are doing mass production in a factory (even though it is a smaller scale one now every morning)
7. I had to sabo people to answer physics questions (I'm really sorry to those who got saboed)
8. we received our class tee and wore it with
pride and joy9. we sat in the canteen as one, lunch after lunch, break after break, on the monday after results for O levels was out, and dedicated songs to each other and lynette cried (which made us all shocked!)
10. we watch tuck and wil eat bowls of beancurd
11. played our last basketball match as boys vs girls (and the girls were like redundant, we were like lamp posts, blocking the way of the guys)
12. all the sweet and unforgettable moments we had
AS ONE 06S11.
I envy you.
I envy that you can walk together as one, that you have someone doing the same combi and in the same boat as you, that you have a class to rely on, that you feel 'belonged', that you at least still have 1 friend who understands you, that at least you smiled genuinely during your class photo, that at least you welcome the new ones, that you understand the meaning of 'acceptance'.
I envy, envy that your life has less uncertainty than mine, that you are sheltered, that you are safer, that your bond is getting stronger and stronger and I, getting weaker and weaker and....weaker...and weaker.
I envy time. Time that has the power to change everything. To destroy feelings, to create new feelings. Creation and destruction, yet they seem so normal. Perhaps not so artificial yet. Everything will change. In 2 years, perhaps we will not be what we are today. Perhaps we will not remember who we are today. Because time will change everything...and wash the memories away, sweep the unknowns off their feet, off the face of the earth...
Maybe that's the way of life, the cycle that occurs everywhere, anywhere, anytime, all the time...
so, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....
I'm sorry. Sorry that I feel sorry for me and you.
{/4/15/2006 08:30:00 am}
sweet sensation XD
