Thursday, October 26, 2006
finally. he said it on behalf of the rest.
it felt really bad. i must have made him feel bad. i'm sorry.
what a way to end school. to find out that the whole bunch of people whom you've thought you were closest to, _ _ __ _ _ _ you.
it's not fair to blame them actually. i admit i must have been unreasonable. unreasonable to be over- _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _, _ _ _ _ - _ _ _ _ _ _.
i'm really sorry. cos i really and truly didn't know.
sorry i couldn't take the hints. my six sense was right though, i could feel the tremour building up during the OCS visit yesterday. i must have been a transparent reckless fool. it was as though i wasn't invited and yet i just put myself beside them, without shame. how stupid, how stupid, how stupid of me. seriously, all i can feel is the stupidity of myself. stupid to make people around me feel unbearable. stupid not to take the hints of her snapping at me almost everytime i see her. stupid of myself to think i was 'one of them'.
no, i'm not. and perhaps never will be. because i can't bring myself to and perhaps they'll never truly want me there anyway. i'm just a second-intaker.
i must be such a failure. the ugly truth is, to pass promos (be over-concerned) and forget the people around me. not forget maybe, fail rather. get an F for EQ.
i rather they be honest with me. even if it sounds ugly. i can take it. even if i can't, i won't cry in front of you. i won't break down so easily. please.
i must such a gullible fool. he said they have been hinting all along. i must be really blinded to think the world is still the pretty barbie world where the sky is blue, the sun shines 24h a day, the daffodils are blooming. i must have been too simple to be contented with people who may smile at you all day long, but i seriously don't know what they can say behind your backs.
i must have been acting all my life. becoming 'high' when i'm not. i rather not be. to match or not to match. it's tiring to live your life like a drama serial. its so sordid. so neausating. so repungent.
wake up, girl! this is reality of life. there must be some self-control. even if you don't like it, you must bear with it. it's only 2 weeks more. no walking out like in drama serials, no standing in the highest part of the world and screaming your lungs out. i think i must have lived under a rock for years.
change but not conform. withdraw but not isolate. it's very hard to do that. it's very hard to pretend you like it when you don't. i'm not pretentious, i'm sorry. i don't lie. because i must be so easy to read and so open that i must be so thick not to get what they have been trying to tell me.
just 2 weeks more right? after that, you can just pretend none of it happened and just get on with life. go back to what you were before you evolved. numb yourself and just DON'T CARE at all. just don't care. just don't care. just don't care.
I DON'T CARE.
swen is perhaps right again. maybe i say too much and listen too little. it's time to just take on the bo-chap/heck care/quiet attitude for once. sit back, watch what people say and keep things to yourself. thinking too much is bad, another said.
this will perhaps be the last post. honestly, i shouldn't be blogging for people to read or to know about me. the blogger is just an entertainer, nothing more. when a blog goes public, there are lots of things to be concerned about - people's reaction, feelings ect. from then on, you're not going to be true to what you feel. from now on, i want no one to know about me except my family and SC friends.
goodbye.
{/10/26/2006 04:06:00 pm}
sweet sensation XD
